Innermost, a blog

After reading Maruko’s post (see title), I got very nostalgic as well.

To me, Nanjing is my root.

南京，我的根。

I love everything about the city, the good and the bad. Someone once pointed out that Nanjing is a fail city, because it used to be the capital of China and now it is falling behind in terms of everything. On some news website, Nanjing was ranked as the second most 失落城市, after 西安. In that essence, it is fail. But that’s the beauty of it. Its glorious and chaotic past. Its tranquil and wanting present. Its uncertain future, filled with endless possibilities. And its stories, countless, lost, and unspeakable.

BGo’s funeral took place in his hometown, somewhere in the East Coast. Jackson’s took place here, because Hong Kong is too far away. If something were to happen, where would I have my funeral. Not Nanjing, definitely. It just wouldn’t be practical, especially when I don’t even have relatives there at all. Then, that eliminates China. Windsor? That is a possibility. After all, we still have a house there. But I never considered  Windsor as home. Not since moving to Chicago. But nor did I consider Chicago as home. When I moved there, I knew that I’ll be somewhere else in two years. Pasadena. If it were to happen while I’m in Caltech, then most likely, I’ll be buried here. I’ll be like Jackson. Laid to rot under the California sun.

My mom told me a couple times that when she leaves, she wants her ashes thrown into the river that she lived by as a kid. In her hometown. I’ve never been there. I imagined it as a place fresh, green, and sparkling. (given the current polluted environment in China, I doubt it will be fresh or sparkling. It’ll be green alright. The foolish official would have the bare rocks painted green. 一切为了绿化嘛。)

I think I’ll be fine to be buried wherever I died. It always had an almost romantic notion to me. In fact, I don’t even know if I actually prefer to lie in Nanjing. Would I still love it as I do now if I were to go back ten years from now? If I were to live there again? If I were to live there forever?

毕竟，距离产生美。

We always want what we cannot have.

This is from xiaonei,

曾经拥有的，不要忘记。
不能得到的，更要珍惜。
属于自己的，不要放弃。
已经失去的，留作回忆。

南京，既然已经在不知不觉中失去你了，我将永记你的巷尾街头，珍惜我那曾经与你在一起的每分每刻，我童年的回忆与你藕断丝连。但愿我们今后还有缘相见。

不过这一切只不过是我自己的自作多情。

made my life so much easier.

Whenever I think about blogging, I hit my writer’s block. What is there to write about? Nothing interesting’s really happened….it’s always the usual, you know, evaporating gold acetate, which is what I’m doing right now. I hope something will grow.

Cooking is actually a lot of work, especially when you have to do it every night. I now have a new-found respect for my mom. She has to come home everyday to cook and feed all of us. I guess, in a way, I’m glad that I’m not going off campus next year. I always say next year, but I only mean when school starts again (this sounds like high school….) which is at the end of september. When September ends~~~~~

Anyways, going off campus would save my quite a lot of money per year ( probably more than one thousand). But that means I have to cook everyday, which could be hard. I wonder how those two will survive. Whatever, not my problem.

Gah. Low on battery!